Sorry (//.-)

  • Me: get a glass and smash it on the floor
  • Friend: Okay, done
  • Me: Is it broken?
  • Friend: Yes
  • Me: Now say sorry to it
  • Friend: Sorry
  • Me: Is it fixed now?
  • Friend: Of course not!
  • Me: So sorry wasn't good enough?
  • Friend: Well, no but-
  • Me: What about glue? Can you fix it by gluing it back together?
  • Friend: I can try
  • Me: Can you still see the cracks?
  • Friend: Yes
  • Me: Will it hold any water? Can it still fulfill it's purpose?
  • Friend: No, but-
  • Me: Why not?
  • Friend: Because it's broken
  • Me: Because you have broken it
  • Friend: oh
  • Me: Will it still be broken when you walk away
  • Friend: Yes
  • Me: So leaving it won't fix it?
  • Friend: No
  • me: Can anything make it the way it was before?
  • Friend: No
  • Me: Do you understand now?

Lost my Mind

   I’ve lost my mind. I have forgotten who I am or what I’m suppose to do. I can’t think straight anymore. I can’t focus on anything. What’s happing to me? All the things I use to be able to do, I can’t do anymore. I just can’t. What’s wrong with me? Am I broken? Am I lost? Am I in a different state of mind? Who am I? What am I? I can’t take these questions anymore. They’re driving me mad. Driving me insane. Where am I suppose to go for answers to questions I can’t solve by myself? I can’t fix this puzzle alone. I can’t go down this road again. I’ve been down here to many times. Where’s the freedom in this equation? Where’s the solution to this problem? Where’s the answers to these questions? They need to go. These unanswered questions are driving me mad. I can’t help it but wonder why I can’t find the solution to this problem. Will I ever find the solution to this equation? I think not. But it’s making me go insane how I don’t know. How I’ll never know. How I have to figure it out myself. There’s no saviour now nor will there ever be. I’m just here, lost in this state of mind. Nowhere to go. Belonging nowhere. Just lost in thought. Lost in a different dimension. Lost in a different universe. Possibly even on a different planet. I will never know. And it leaves me lost and insane.

Please Don’t Go

   I feel so lost and alone. Without you here, I’d rather disappear. You are my love but without you here, I’d rather disappear. You are gone and I am still here. Living the fearing of the thought that you’ll be disappearing. I miss you but I’ll never diss you. I guess I’m just over thinking this. I guess I’m just living the fear of loosing you to another girl. But I guess I’m just like any other pearl. There’s nothing special about me. There’s nothing wonderful about me. But you’re gone now and I’m still here Living the fear, that you might disappear.

Fear

    Oh dear, it seems that I’m living in my own fear. Pretty soon you’ll just disappear and I’ll still be here. Wondering where it all went wrong. Now all I do is live in this fear, where you have already disappeared and I’m still here. Where are you? You said you’ll never leave. You said you would stay but I guess with a promise, there’s a price to pay. I guess this fear is just to much to understand. This pain to great comprehend. I thought you meant what you promised but like always, I fail to see the cracks in your lies. But there’s always a knot to be tied. Another lie to be told. Another time to cry. It’ll just be another promise broken. Another heart as a token. Another memory that’ll be added to your collection. Tonight I’ll slowly die. Tonight I’ll only cry. Wondering where it all went wrong. Wondering if I’ll ever belong. 

My Grave

    There’s a grave of mine six feet below. It’s where I stay alone. Facing this pain, with my heart of stone. Will I get out of this hole? yes, but I’ll have to pay the toll. When will this pain end? Will it ever get better? Is that even possible to happen? No, I will stay in this hole. To face this pain. With my heart of stone Where I’ll be alone. There will be sound of none. No one has come to visit because I lay alone. With this heart of stone. The kind of pain I’ll be facing alone. With my heart of stone.

Please Explain

    I’m slowly dying but still trying to stay alive. Already crying but the tears are slowly drying. The pain slowly fading. Fading into the nothingness and meaningless known as the dark. Sometimes it escapes to the park. Please explain the way I feel. Please give me a chance to heal. There isn’t any hope. All hung over on all this dope. Trying to forget  the day. Trying to forget the price I’ll pay but there’s just no escape, there’s just no way.

Me, myself, and I

  • Me: I feel quite nice today
  • Mind: How? When you fail at everything you do
  • Body: How? When you're fat
  • Mirror: Have you looked at yourself lately?
  • Self-harm: How? When I'm on your arms as proof that you're not
  • Paranoia: How? When all your friends hate you
  • Me: Oh yeah, huh

Dear Reader,

    We are facing a danger more greater then you could ever imagine. There is no escape. Even if you left to a new county, the danger will be following you no matter where you go. Keep your loved ones close or else you may never see them again. We are facing something that cannot be physically destroyed but has to be destroyed mentally. Yes, I am talking about the sadness in all. It can’t be destroyed. No matter what you do to be happy, it’ll always be right  behind you, waiting to strike fear into your soul and everything you have ever believed in. Your dreams may be crushed. Your self-esteem may be shattered. Your hopes may be burned to the ground and all because of the sadness that hangs around the air that you breath. This is something that people want to escape but can’t because it’s to much for them to handle. There is no greater war then the one you face one the daily bases. You fake a smile, act happy and for what? So people won’t worry about you. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, I’m right here fighting with you. Though it may feel as if everyone has left you behind, left you for dead, to be filled with distrust, helplessness, sadness and anger. Sometimes you say that you’re fine when all you want to do is break down and cry. Cry all your worries away, cry all this pain away, cry untill there are no more tears left to cry. You’re fighting a mental war but no one knows about it but you. You’re crying inside but no one can tell but you. You may seem alone and my think that it’s better that way but I’m here for you and always will. Though there may be no escape from the sadness but one day the pain will become bare able. You will know that it’s still there but at least you can go through the day without it getting in the way. There is no greater war then they one you face every day, so make it count.

Story

   I walk down this old endless street. I’m not sure why or how I got here but I’m not gonna stop and question myself about it, I just keep walking. With my head ducked and hood pulled up over my eyes, I see nothing but the old cracked sidewalk. I feel like I need to meet someone at the end of this street, if there’s a end to this street, yeah right. I continue to walk but when I look up for only a minute and I notice something. No houses, mailboxes or even a drive way where the houses use to be. Just dead yellow grass and rolling hills. I look back down at the sidewalk, continuing my journey to this unknown place, to see this unknown person. Is this person even real or is it just my imagination I think to myself oh well, I’ll find out latter but I wish it was sooner. I let out a deep sigh, breath turning into fog as it leaves my lips. 

    I round the corner and see a church like building. Without thinking I enter inside. It’s dark and cold but I go inside anyways. I see a marble hallway. Walls cracked, old and yet, still has that shiny glow to it. I walk down further and it gets darker and darker. Colder and colder but I still walk further and further down this endless hallway. UGH!!!! DOES THIS HALLWAY HAVE A FREAKING END!!!!! I mentally yell at myself. I run face first into a huge door. I grasp my nose as fresh blood gushes out, crap!! how could I’ve been so stupid?!? I pinch my nose until the bleeding stops.

    When my nose finally stops bleeding, I use my sleeve to wipe off most of the dried blood on face and enter through doors. They’re double doors so I would have to use all my energy on this one door, which isn’t a lot . When it opens half way, I take it as a chance to enter inside. i look ahead of me and see yet another hallway, Great, just what i needed, another long hallway. Thank god it wasn’t as long as there one because within minutes, I see another door, a normal sized door. I pull the nob and it easily comes out into my hands. Fan-fucking-tastic!!!!  How am i suppose to enter the damn door now. I slump by back against the wall and slide down the wall until I reach the floor. Came all this way for nothing, well besides chase my imagination. I chuckle at myself and slowly rise myself back up. As I stand up I spot another door. how did I miss it the first time but I don’t go to deep into thought about it.  I jump up and rush to the door with only one thought that enters my mind is, Yes!! yes!! yes!! finally……. another door. Hoping the door nob doesn’t break off into my hands, I slowly turn the nob, pull the door open and go inside.

    I enter inside the dome like room. Is this usually inside a church? I think not but I enter inside anyways. As I enter the room I hear muffled foot steps behind me. I whip around and see this boy, no older then me but a lot taller then me. He’s in a suite and tie. I look down at my clothing and gasp at myself. He’s so handsome with his perfect suite and dress shoes and here I stand with nothing but skin tight jeans and a zip up sweatshirt. I blush harshly and look down. I must look like a total mess. He takes my hands in both of his .

    I couldn’t control myself. I step on the tips of my toes and plant my lips on his. He wraps his arm around my waist but keeps one in between us. My eyes slowly close and my breath comes in a raspy. He pulls away and I see a devilish smile cross his face as the blade enters me stomach, followed by a hash twist of the blade. I land on my hands and knees, gagging on blood and saliva. The boy laughs a devilish laugh as I continue to choke on my own blood. I fall over on my side, exhausted and wishing I never came to this place. The phrase curiosity killed the cat pops in my head and I fully understand what it means now. Blood trickles down the corner of my mouth and drips to the floor. Is this it , I think to myself Is this how it’s gonna end for me. He leans close to my ear and whispers ” I know something you don’t know” in a mimicking tone. he laughs one more time before taking the knife between his hands and slashes open my throat.

    I bolt up, gasping, trying to catch all the air back into my lungs. This time the dream felt more real then the last time. I let out a deep sigh. I hate that dream. It always begins and ends the same, with the same boy, and the same ending. I check my phone, 3:30, I still have hours of more sleep left. But I don’t fall back asleep, for fear of have “the dream” again. So I don’t, I just plop back on my bed, thinking and imagining a new world. A world where that dream didn’t exist. I must have fallen back asleep because the alarm on my phone goes off, alerting me that I have to get ready for another school day. I kick the blankets off, checking for a stab wound, just in case. Finding none, I sit at the edge of my bed. Time to tackle another useless and meaningless day. Will I ever catch a break . I let out another heavy sigh I think not, But I have to do what I have to do.

The End……….. of chapter one

A friend makes your day a little brighter. A friend a makes your heart a little lighter. A friend is your own special sunshine. So I suggest you not to use them. Not to play with them like toys. never to toy with their emotions because one day your gonna need them but they won’t be there. So keep your friends close and never let them go. Don’t ever treat them like shit or you’ll regret it.

Unknown 

Grave of Mine

    There are reasons why I cut. There are reasons why I cry. There are reasons why I lie. There are reasons why I want to die. Just lay in my grave. To leave this world, to leave my pain, to leave everything. If I just………just disappeare would anyone notice that I’m gone, would anyone notice that I’m not there? This is hell, my life is hell, I’m hell. It would be better for everyone if I just left. If I just died and stayed in my grave, where it’s nice and warm. Where I could be alone, where I could be at peace. Where nobody can bother me. I could finally be free from hell if I just left this world. If I just disappeared as if I never existed. If you saw me bleeding. My blood flowing to the floor, would you help me? Would you even care? Of course not. Nobody would. You’ll just watch me die. Watch and laugh as I slowly bleed, as I slowly die, as I start to cry. You walk away as I lay crumpled on the ground. The only thought that enters my mind as you walk away is why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you say that you’ll never leave? But here you are, walking away and never looking back. I know now that you’ll never come back, not like you’d ever come back. I just lay in my grave now, remembering the times I had with you. Now I’m glad I’m dead because now I can see that you actually did care for me but for how long. I’m dead now and there’s no coming back. Don’t look back at me now, don’t even shed a tear for me because death is something that happens every day. Just come back to say your pitiful goodbyes and your worthless farewells and never come back. Just be happy that I finally escaped my hell. That I escaped my life. That I escaped my pain. This hell of a life has finally come to an end……….